Birth Magic

Once again, I am unsure of what to write. I can't really give details for fear of compromising someone's privacy, but I wish you could see what I have seen.

I have spent the last 4--soon to be 5 and over--weeks working in obstetrics and gynecology. It has been a wonderful experience all around, but by far the most incredible act I have witnessed is childbirth. 

In my four weeks I have been lucky to experience the full range--c sections and vaginal deliveries, planned and emergent, and both spent many hours in the hospital waiting for a delivery and sprinted from the parking lot down the hospital corridors in order to make it before baby did. 

There are a few things that always reaffirm my faith in humanity: national parks, libraries, and now childbirth. What women are capable of is nothing short of incredible. It doesn't matter what kind of birth--an epidural can take away the sharp pain but it doesn't change the feeling of pressure of a baby head passing through a formerly 1 centimeter hole. And the woman getting a c section faces the coldness of an operating room, with only a thin blue sheet dividing them from their internal organs which are now briefly literally on the outside.

The fathers too have been amazing. Supportive and present and weathering the storm with their partner. The whole process is like a trial by combat that you must come through in order to leave with the new life you created.

And the babies! They are so astonishingly perfect. Even covered in blood and purple. Even if they aren't perfect by a medical definition. I can't believe this is how we all came into the world.

We are all the product of untold hours of labor, stretching back in time. In the fields and the forest, by firelight or starlight, in back bedrooms and first hospitals, by candle and operating room lamp. So many mothers and babies died in the process, in this fierce baptism of pain and blood and insane strength to push gathered from somewhere deep within. 

If we could each trace our own history what would we find? How many hours in a thousand years have our mothers and grandmothers and great great great grandmothers given us? How much strength has been passed down?

It is an unspoken legacy we all carry. Look what our mothers were capable of. Look what insane iron magic we are made of. Whatever else happens, how ever else you feel about your day and your life, know that this is your stock.

This is your birthright.  This is your mother. 

Preparing for P2

With only 10 class days left in the semester, the "next year" of our P2 clinical year is now officially more like "next month." I am terrified, but am also getting more and more excited about what it will be like. 

As you know from any post about packing from our trip, I love accumulating and being surrounded by small objects that I might need. I like to think of this as a generally human trait, keeping the wolves at bay, but if you are Subash and caught in my piles you may have a different interpretation. 

At any rate, in the tiny lull between regular exams and finals exams this weekend I put together a little P2-Emergency-Kit to keep in the car or bag or somewhere as we begin this next adventure.

It's pretty simple, and mostly stockings. Some of the places we will be rotating in have rules that you have to wear stockings, not just if you are wearing a dress or skirt but over any foot visible. In order to combat the inevitable "oh my god I forgot stockings" 5 am moment, I bought a super cheap-o set of black and "nude," and then some knee high ones as well. I also have a set of little sock things for flats to stay comfortable.

Next up is a toothbrush, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, tiny deodorant, and lint roller. I actually got 3 lint rollers and plan on having one in my bag, in the car, and with this. It is the only way I will ever make it from our house to rotations without being a walking tumbleweed of cat hair.

Pro-tip: getting a travel deodorant was stupid. A real deodorant is what, 2 inches bigger? And with probably 500% more actual product.

Next comes hair clips and ties. After spending my whole adult life with a pixie cut, this long hair is still confusing to me. I don't know exactly what to do with it but certain rotations, like surgery, it will always be back, and in the end that will probably be the case for most things--long flowing hair just means hair in someone's face when you bend to examine them, or something for people to grab if they are obtunded/a kid/a jerk. We'll see how rotations actually go to figure this one out.

Lastly, you know I have to have a book and pens. For our 4-hour Friday rotations this year I used a small flip memo pad, but I am sizing up slightly with a 5 star college ruled notebook I know will fit in my white coat pocket. 

I also have this "Perfect H&P" book I ordered off Amazon. I haven't really used it yet but it is nice as a memory jog because it has categories for all the information you should be getting from someone. We'll see how it fits into my real life, but it might be good in the beginning at least to get me through those "oh shit" moments when everything important falls out of your head. 

For pens, my go to is the Pilot G-2 0.7 mm. They run out of ink too fast but they are a pen that can keep up with your thoughts, which is especially important when you are trying to balance listening to a patient, narrowing down a differential diagnosis, and getting the relevant info all at the same time.

This weekend I also went on a bit of a shopping spree, as I suddenly realized "oh crap I have to be presentable every day." And not just the old presentable behind a desk or in a lab like I used to do, but "trust me with your health and maybe life" presentable. 

I have been reading this blog by a med student on what she wears for inspiration

http://www.franishtheblog.com/2016/03/what-to-wear-on-clinical-rotations.html

So after yesterday's mall attack I think I am set for the foreseeable future! I have 4 pairs of nice pants, and probably 7 or 8 nice tops in addition to the random piles I already own which may or may not be applicable. 

I got a $7 watch since I need something with a second hand for taking vitals. My favorite part is that the Roman numeral for 4 is "IIII" instead of "IV," a perfect example of "you get what you pay for."

I am still working on the shoe problem. My shoes always need to be close-toed, and for surgery/ER will need to be something that covers the whole foot and maaaybe is rinse-able. 

Lastly, I finally got a full length mirror. I had one before our trip but we got rid of most of our belongings and somehow I just never got one again. Now, though my "if I can't see it it is probably fine" days are over and I need to see what the whole thing looks like!

All in all it was a successful weekend. I could have done this a little later, but i needed some fun happy and this made rotations seem more real. It is good motivation going into finals week to push through and do the best I can.

Bring it on!

Into the Fray

This blog post is in honor of my Uncle Tom Newman, who is surely my most loyal reader and supporter ❤️.

As I mentioned a little while ago, I started a two year Physician Assistant masters program. I am now 4 months in and absolutely love it. I have found my niche.

I haven't posted recently, partly because it is an intensive program with lots of exams every week and other heavy experiences as we learn. The other reason is I'm not sure just how much I am allowed to say, ethically and legally. 

We have a cadaver lab. It is a strange experience, to be surrounded by the deceased and actually dissect them, but it is a gift I am grateful for. I have been lucky enough to hold human hearts and brains, and feel the weight of them. I am very conscious of the decision my gentleman made to donate his body for my learning. I can't thank him directly, but I wrap his body up and tuck him in very carefully after every lab, and hope it is enough. 

I can't believe how much we have learned in 4 months. I have a long way to go, and so much more to learn, but already I can see it taking shape, and have been able to examine patients and watch procedures and try to help people.

I also have really enjoyed meeting the other 78 students in my class. We have formed a support network I didn't expect, sharing notes and study tips. On Friday I witnessed my first truly devastating tragic event, and when I shared with the class I received many hugs, and some tissues. 

I just can't say enough good things! I'm so happy to be there. As I posted before, it took almost three years from making the decision to pursue a physician assistant masters degree to actually having all the requirements and getting accepted. The application process was rough, and I still feel so lucky to have gotten in.

My point here is that if there is something you really want to do, it's never too late. After an undergrad degree and a number of different jobs (all of which I DID like, it's worth saying), at the age of 29 I have finally found my true place, where the skills I am using are also the skills I am most proud of having. The trick about life changes is they are rarely a choice between something great and something terrible, instead they are usually a choice between something new that could be great and something comfortable and fine. If you didn't do it, you'd still be happy, but man, if you do it!

I am feeling a little vulnerable at the moment. In some ways, we are spending months learning all the things that can go wrong with your own body or people you love. For that reason I just want to say for the record that if anything tragic happens to me, know that I had an amazing life and I loved it all, and loved YOU all.

That being said, we are also learning all the ways that we can help when things go wrong, and the incredible resilience of the human body and mind. There is so much we can do, and we will do it.

I hope you are all doing really well. I am off to study! 3 exams this week and then final exams all next week. I can't believe the first semester is over, and I can't wait to see what we learn next!

Love,

Kathleen